For reasons I won't disclose (because I want a semblance of privacy in my life), I find myself a bit down in the dumps. Not feeling the usual anxiety; this time, it feels more like numbness. Add to that an extra dash of hormones (hello, Shark Week! Nice to see you again, said no one ever), and I'm just your garden variety "blargh blargh"er.
I'm essentially telling on myself because I want to let you know that it's OK to, as Laura McKowen says, "respect the tides." I can't be sunshine and frenetic energy and YAY YAY YAY all the time. I have anxiety, I have OCD, I have a damn monthly overload of estrogen, and then I have regular people problems. And sometimes, when the ingredients mix together in the right way, I become a slightly different version of myself. One that I'm not a huge fan of, but one that's me regardless. And I have to work through whatever pain or numbness or nervousness I'm feeling just like everybody else does/would.
Drinking again isn't even part of the equation. I have no desire for that. It's been over 8 years now. It's just that in recovery, it's not all puppies and rainbows. It's life. And it's beautiful and messy and everything in between.
While I'm at it, I'd just like to say that I'm a one-woman shop. And still relatively new to the addiction recovery space, at least the online space. One of the best problems to have is such overwhelming support that I'm getting pitches for guest blogs and recovery stories left and right; but it's just me here, and I have a 9-5. And sometimes I just need to breathe.
I'll likely be my chipper self soon enough. Just like the sun always rises and the tides always turn and cheese is always delicious. But for now, I'm feeling "blah."
Thanks for listening, whoever you are.